high and low
2008-04-29 4:04 a.m.

tonight i experienced the lows and highs of humanity. by that i mean i watched speed and then came home and listened to a bunch of radiohead songs.

not like speed is a real low. i love that movie. maybe it'd be in the middle of humanity. formulaic, but fun, and fresh. and keanu reeves in that movie represents the best the male species has to offer. i'll argue with you if you want. let's go get some fucking tea and i'll blow your head off with my arguments. let's go.

so speed is in the middle. what would be a low? wylie and i got high in new york--tony was there, but tony didn't get high--and we watched a terrible movie called fatal error, which we determined was the least creative movie ever, in both content and form. but even its horribleness was sort of inspired.

i can say with confidence that my least favorite movies are bless the child and howard stern's private parts, but i also have some horrid memories of mr. wrong (ellen degeneres before she was lesbian) and forces of nature, though the latter may be because i sat next to the crazy woman with no teeth in loew's theater who talked to me the whole time. i think other people from columbia, md will know what i'm talking about. you know. the crazy woman--she went to subway a lot and harassed pat, back when he was a sandwich artist?

what was my point. i had none.

i can't listen to too much radiohead; it makes my depression itchy. this is not to say i only like happy music. this is to say that when i listen to radiohead i get a clear, beautiful feeling of absolute nihilism.

it feels like a secret is encoded into his voice. a note only dogs can hear.

oh, try and destroy me all you want, thom. i have a whole arsenal of reasons to live.

like the moments made up entirely of sensations so powerful you forget everything else: running water, being held, eating chocolate pudding after craving it for months, getting the ingredients out for a cake.

this last thing, i'm examining. part of my hesitation is...i don't know. i feel like a failure somehow, giving up writing.

what you gotta do is think about what you want, and then plan out the steps for that. then have some backup plans.

the problem is that i've been on plan b most of my life. everything i'm doing is settling. why couldn't i just want to be a firefighter? why do i have to want something so abstract? and something which does not have a salary, at that.