a chalk white moth with ashy spots
2008-04-01 5:18 a.m.

luke wilson shaving in royal tenenbaums, with elliott smith, and blue light.

or a sandy-haired man straightening his tie in a car window reflection.

walking past me on campus and turning around at the same time i do, maybe he thought i was someone he knew, but maybe not.

my favorite bouncer at the top is now a barback. hope i never learn his name.

a disruptive image in my fun collage: moth on the window.

i wouldn't be scared of moths if it wasn't for hollywood.

i remember being in new york, at a movie theater in queens, first grade. my father broke his leg the day after new years and we were waiting for it to heal. he slipped on a rug getting out of bed, before he could put his brace on. he was in the hospital for a long time, four weeks maybe. he had some surgery, another piece of metal added to him.

the rug was houndstooth.

my grandparents took my brother and me to a lot of movies. kindergarten cop, look who's talking too. every day we drove back and forth past a cemetery. the movie theater had multi-floors and between the floors, on your way up the escalator, a giant banner for an upcoming movie:

a black and white woman's face with a moth over the mouth. what is that, opa? it's a movie for adults. can we see it? no.

i had more questions about lambs and moths and if they were related, but i couldn't formulate them.

what is it in my genetic code that makes me think of the most terrible things before i go to bed? not my dad being hospitalized. i mean serial killers and the like.

there's still a moth on my window. i can't go to bed with this shit going on. i hate sleeping alone.

let's go back to thinking about luke wilson.

when i was a kid i had a lot of trouble sleeping. i was always scared. i remember not being able to sleep on christmas eve. i had to think about presents to distract myself, because i was sure a crazy woman with no eyeballs was coming down the hallway.

i could try that trick again, i guess.

o santa what will you bring me tomorrow? will it be a new pair of shoes? will it be a manfriend to kill this moth? or will it be something to eat--an ice cream sandwich or a lollipop to suck on.