fuck mountain
2008-03-03 3:08 p.m.

if youtube had been around when i was in 6th grade, i'm positive i would spent all my free time commenting on music videos like taylor swift's "tears on my guitar."

i'd write

"i love this song! i'm in love with a boy named greg who doesn't know i exist. he's sooo sexy, he plays basketball and he's exactly my height. i die a little inside everytime he calls me Lizard Flamingo. love sucks :( "

but maybe it's better that i wrote the above in my diary, over and over, where no one saw it. they didn't have text-speak back then. there was no way i would write "luv" or "omg" im my diary. i had to flesh it out. Oh My God I Love Him So.

and over and over. slowly perfecting it over the years. my thesis advisor called it "adolescent eroticism." he said this in public, actually.

a nice term to hear, yeah? but whatever. it shouldn't seem remarkable. i remember being 12 and horny and invisible. little has changed; i just learned that you can tell it in a story and people will be impressed.

well, enough ego-stroking for today. i'm going to go float out to sea on a raft made of couch cushions, never to be seen again.

anyway i'm going to turn my thesis in to my committee this friday (or thursday if i'm good.) it's surreal.

i found myself driving past the picadilly apartments, crying from the stress of my thesis and the idea that everything is so close to being over, why i came here--why did i come here? what did i want to get? did i get it?

what i wanted
1. improve writing
2. make friends with other people who write
3. have another year to think
4. meet men
5. leave maryland

====let's use equal signs instead of dashes to signify breaks====

thinking of titles has never been my strong suit.

current favorite is "that's not my name," though i just learned there's a british indie pop fart tune of that name. well, who knows. it's a thesis.

other suggestions welcome though i'd prefer something without "mountain" or "heart" in the title.

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i stood on a mountain of snow plowed to the end of my cul-de-sac and i spoke to god from the bottom of my heart, thinking maybe if i was sincere, god would forgive me for my atheist family and would help me out. i said, god, i want him, please help me.

i did this every day until the snow melted. he never wanted me, and i gave up on god--not for ignoring my prayers, but because over time i saw that i wasn't sincere in my belief for god.

instead, i was sincere in my love and i was sincere in my desperation and i was sincere in my loneliness, all this sincere suffering and pain over some boy--it had no where to go, and i had no one to talk to, so i stood on a 7 foot ashy pile of snow and forced myself to believe.

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re: title of this entry

yes, now i'm the kind of person that routinely references arrested developmemt.

i live in shrimpfest, for goodness sake.