no-itude
2007-12-17 6:39 p.m.

last night i was delirious with shoulder pain (i carry my tension in my trapezius [tension in my trapezius = thesis title?]) and i began to have fake conversations.

today for real daniel asked me if the fake conversation were witty comebacks, hours past their prime. no they are not, though i learned the term for this is l'esprit de l'escalier. he asked if they were preparations for future conversations. they are not that either.

they are fake confrontations that i will never have, wherein i get to say everything i want to say. daniel gave me an eyebrow to mean he had no idea what i was saying, but i suspect others do this, too.

i get to yell and say dramatic, cliched things, and spend as much time as i want thinking of the perfect terms to describe how frustrated i am with the person in question.

but last night was a rushed episode, i guess, or like i said originally, the pain had me delirious, because in my fake confrontation i was very inelegant and awkward and, generally, saying things that should never be said by a person who, by persuing a career in writing, makes some claims, no matter how unspoken, about being good with words.

(i am reading a book and it has me thinking about long sentences.)

(but here's what i said. )

(in my head)

"i am tired of your emotional revolving doorery!!"
in the fantasy he says, "what?"
and then i have to break it down and explain it and the dramatic exclamation loses all momentum.

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when i explain and summarize things to other people, they take on a clarity that is lacking when i mull over them in silence.

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did that make sense?