lay down
2007-11-03 2:08 p.m.

--written a few days ago--

at age 11 i wrote to god asking him to help me out and bring me some love

i wrote out an intricate plan using illustrations and bright colors. he didn't help me out but i'm willing to accept the fact that he knew i didn't really believe in him and had never been to church in my life.

it seemed fine that god would be a petty scorekeeper like me.

god is in our image. god was a middle schooler. now god is a grad student.

--

god wakes up later than he intended to. he dresses and brushes his teeth while sighing, nonstop, sighing. he's lost his appetite for many things.

god drives with the window down and thinks, what would my students do if i never came back? would it be that big of a deal?

god smells donuts. god goes on, out of obligation.

god has lost interest in both the journey and the destination. god doesn't want your pity or your prayers. god is waiting for next year so he can appreciate this one.

god is grieving the changing dynamics of his relationships, home and abroad.