fancy antsy queen
2007-09-08 3:47 a.m.

honestly i can't tell you how often people email me questions about me and my life. but it's time i sat down and answered the most common ones.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q. favorite item from wards grocery store?
A. apple cherry butter

Q. what is the story behind your favorite phrase, "i'm the son of a millionaire; i can do whatever i want"?
A. in high school i knew this kid who was the son of a millionaire. i asked him once what his new years resolution was, and when he told me it was to lose 7 pounds a week for a year, i told him that he probably couldn't do that. i liked his reply.

Q. in what situations have you said that quote to yourself?
A. in chipotle, when i feel guilty about throwing away unfinished food. on campus, when wearing unflattering shorts. in traffic, when i feel pressured to make risky moves and i feel like a pussy for slowing down at yellow lights and i'm sure people are making fun of me.

Q. what's this keg party about?
A. fuck if i know

Q. how many people have you boned from the British Isles?
A. three

Q. where does your writing fit in the modern canon of american fiction?
A. wah wah wah i love him wah wah

Q. how would your life have been different if you had gone to arizona or unc or umass or bowling green?
A. the cockroach that flew out of my a.c. unit and straight into my face would have been much smaller.

Q. long road to glory?
A. by jurassic five.

Q. what are your writing habits?
A. last-minute. long stretches, punctuated by me wandering around the house, muttering to myself. and i sit in the nude. wearing silly hats. and i read proust in the bathtub on weekends

Q. the boys made crepes?
A. both savoury and sweet ones.

Q. you'll put tomatoes...
A. anywhere, bitch. on pizza, in pasta, in salads, in my mouth. the crook of my arm.

Q. why do you not have that many female friends?
A. that's an absurd question and i won't dignify it with a response. women are fine. itchy. padded bras. their knees are always smoother than mine. they get it.

Q. why do you not have that many male friends?
A. that is also a lie. when they ignore me. sports, or breasts. everyone loves a playboy bunny.

Q. how many convenience stores are there in gainesville that remind you of british convenience stores run by sullen, crabby indians, and you stand in the aisles looking at the british candy thinking about going back?
A. one

Q. the sims 2 version of wylie?
A. wears a button-down.

Q. the sims 2 version of daniel?
A. loves the baby.

Q. why is there toothpaste in your hair?
A. i was lying on the floor, and i looked up and saw curtis standing over me, squeezing a small tube. i rolled away and the blob missed my face. but now pieces of my hair are flocked with minty frosting.

Q. and how is it going, living with the men?
A. at least i'm not in love with them.

Q. we all grow.
A. we all have a learning curve.

Q. are you a vegan this week?
A. how did you know?

Q. but the crepes.
A. i don't like your tone

Q. Where Do You Get Your Ideas?
A. anywhere and everywhere. or, i write barely disguised nonfiction.

Q. When Did You Begin Writing?
A. for reals, 11th grade when i wrote my first short story for a contest at the urging of my journalism teacher. then i won i went into baltimore and i met someone important. also, i wore really, inappropriately tight clothes, and the other finalists were dressed respectably. my mom tried to persuade me to wear something else.

Q. is this faq in any way a mockery of other faqs found on douchey wannabe writers' webpage?
A. yes

Q. what is your least favorite sport?
A. bowling

Q. I have a great idea for a book. Do you want to hear it?
A. yes