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on the plane back from portland I just got back from Portland, where I stayed at Katrina's parent's house with 10 other people. Here are my notes from the plane ride. - this headache is IN me like i don't know what. - i don't care what anyone says, i like funniest home videos. - at the wedding i made a pretty good speech i think, and afterwards one of the fat cousins said to me, "that was the second best wedding speech i've ever heard" and i thought, "SECOND best? well you're the SECOND fattest person at this reception." but that would've been a lie, because he was first. through and through. then later he was pretty nice and introduced himself to me. he was polite and pretty subtle. as opposed to the wedding singer, who came onto the dancefloor several times during his performance and sang suggestively RIGHT IN MY AND ONLY MY EAR as i ignored him and as a room full of guests laughed. and later i heard this snippet of conversation: simon, my ex boyfriend: hey wedding singer, want to come out with us tonight? so now i feel a little bad for making fun of the fat cousin, because i think, that's probably the kind of person i should be with -- that is, someone who obviously wants to fuck me enough to compliment my speech writing. (my usual preference being someone disinterested in me, my form, and my intellectual achievements). though if he was really earnest about it he would've said first best, don't you think? but instead i spent most of the weekend looking at simon, my ex boyfriend, whom i dated only for a week and therefore probably is not considered a boyfriend by most standards but in my head i consider him one (due to the fact that he bought me a few things and also "ex boyfriend" has a better ring than "ex fling that led to no where" because i have pleennnnty of people who own that title but who did not buy me things, and i'd like to pretend there are distinctions between my fuckups) and who was the best man at this here wedding, and who once fed me a number of vodka & sprites and took me home in an illegal taxi cab after lying and saying he played for Manchester United, and who stayed in the same house as i did this weekend, and whom i realized i have never eaten breakfast with, and whose speech was average, even on its own, but compared to mine it was an outrageous piece of shit, and who has sort of a blurry face, and who has a very nice upper torso, especially when he is playing soccer in the hallway with the ring bearer, who looked at my chest a lot, despite him being 10. whereas simon couldn't have cared less about my amazing breasts and how ripe they looked, displayed in my seafoam dress. the fat cousin noticed, the wedding singer noticed, the ring bearer noticed. not the best man. - i just remembered a moment that i'd like to share: simon and i in the taxi last night, after the wedding, eating green apples provided by the lavish hotel, and him saying, "i'm going to choke on this." it's better in a british accent. - i'd like to clear up that i did not want to sleep with simon this weekend, but perhaps i wouldn't have minded drunkenly making out, for spite's sake, one of those "look at what you're missing" sort of things. HA! HA! - the woman across the aisle has been doing a giant sudoku puzzle for the entire 3 hour 39 minute flight, and that right there is the kind of focus and task-mastery that i would like to develop in order to do important career-related things such as grading papers in one setting, finishing a book (writing), or finishing a book (reading). - i sort of want to watch pearl harbor just to see the scene where they fuck in a parachute, but i don't feel like paying for the rental, nor do i want to sit through the rest of the film. - well one specific thing i learned from christine was that if you need to pee (like for a urine sample, or after sex to prevent UTIs if you have a small kidney, or if you've had a catheder in you for so long that your bladder is all dizzy and confused), simply run one or both hands under warm water. i could've used that trick a few times in my life. i am thinking of one time in particular, being in the bathroom alone while he slept and feeling lots of things, including fear of UTIs. it would've been nice to know that i could've stuck a hand under the water and one of my problems would've gone away. but like i said, i didn't learn that trick til a few months later, from chris, after one of her hospital stints. not sure which -- they all blend, except for that last one. - a lot of men DO look like monkeys, if you think about it. and not gorillas necessarily, like my unintentionally racist grandmother pointed out while we watched football-- all sorts of monkeys. chimps, orangutangs, the monkey ross had on friends -- all sorts. i had this thought while watching ryan seacrest on mute. - i'm sure that this coughing man was also on my flight TO portland. i recognize that cough, as well as my concern about it. - sleeping in a car makes the trip go faster. the opposite is true on planes. current -
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