some things you learn in pairs
2006-11-27 10:55 p.m.

i have the kind of desperate, frantic boredom that only comes when there is a big, unending, deadline-less task ahead of me, and when i am not doing it.

i should be writing.

and for every free day (increasing in number) that passes, wasted, my guilt increases.

sometimes what is not there is surprisingly solid.

the negative space--and jill would say the negative space has to be as interesting as the positive space. the negative space is certainly interesting. it's got a shape, yeah. it swells and bulges and pushes against my meager posessions, my pathetic positive space.

when i look around. my couch, and my end table, my picture frame, the rug in my hallway, my light, a heap of clothes, a bed with sheets twisted into a small pile.

the gaps are like bricks.

you know what i mean?

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my cycle finally just straightened out--not sure how else to say it without disturbing my readers. but why are men so put off by this? like i can help it.

my cycle finally just straightened out, and about half an hour later, which would be right now, i became insaaaaaaaaaatiably horny. a flipped switch, a tipped scale. an overflowing jar--

it'll pass. it better pass.

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no, these spaces. you hear footsteps and you think they're coming up to see you? how does a sound have so much weight?

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i could make a career out of blaming men for turning me into the sack of nonsense i am today. well, jason was the one that taught me ___, and bert showed me that i was ____, and adam made me feel ashamed of my ____,

but a 7-year-old's school diary? who knew the word "unloveable" when they were 7? who knows how to spell "ugly"?

who are you kidding? these ideas aren't new, and they weren't introduced through failed love. they're childhood friends. they pre-date dating. so when?

they formed: as soon as you learn what love means. you learn how it feels to be valued and beautiful, not for being pretty but for simply being; as soon as you recognize the swirling, lifting shape of love, you also learn to recognize the heavy, throbbing absence of it.

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you can't learn "yes" without learning "no." same thing, man/woman, alive/dead.