that itchy feeling in the middle of the night
2004-07-04 1:34 a.m.

"you say you understand,
but you don't understand"

fourth of july. without you (know) (who?). It's a little like visiting your hometown, after a long time, and things have changed. If you were interested in knowing (this feeling).

But that's not good enough of a reason to stay in bed all day. I don't have any claim on this. Not family.

Family--yes. Yes, family, and sister, boyfriend, girlfriend. Love, shoulder and crutch and pillow, everything. I lost everything. Single 20 year olds don't need moms or dads--they need sisters.

And I need her now; my ocean.

if there's a baby on the floor crawling towards the door; i'm that baby, you're the door, this whole life has been the floor, my hands and knees are getting sore.

[today i couldn't make eye contact with anyone at Target because I was obsessed with the fact that they might have been staring at my skin and would feel bad for me. I don't need pity any more than I need bad skin. Can they tell what I lost? Did she take my good skin when she died? Will I look like this as long as I miss her? Because I don't want people's eyes; I think they can tell I miss her.]

That's strange. I thought things were bad only for me? You too? The world is crumbling. Is everyone? Too?

If the world is falling apart, where do the pieces go? Do they move in towards yellowness and heat, like some hollow chocolate egg being crushed. Or darling, like this, do they fly out for some better center, straight paths in opposite directions.

And if we're the world falling apart, she was the ocean. I get to be the ice cap, I think. You'll be a continent (Asia?), boundless large and plain, hidden and not at fault at all. She was the ocean. Drain the ocean from the earth, now what is left? what is it worth?

What's she doing? With all that

free

time

hopefully something better than this sing-song shit / she loved the fourth of july