best of what's around
2004-02-10 5:36 p.m.

the assignment: "after reading Lorrie Moore's "How to Become a Writer," write a 2 ph. imitation with a similar titile- "How to (fill in the blank)." You must write in second person. Don't be afraid to have fun--one of the best things about Moore's writing is her humor."

mine:

How to Make the Most of Your College Experience
by Liz F

Go to Thanksgiving dinner with your extended family the year before you attend college. Meet all sorts of relatives that you have never met before, shake hands and announce you plan to go to college and be an English teacher. Listen and nod as they tell you why this is a bad idea. Defend yourself, only to be verbally beaten by your Aunt Harriet, who will say, “the college years are the best years of your life. Don’t waste them learning to become a teacher.”

Say goodbye to your friends as they pack up for Ivy League or fake Ivy League schools. Hug them. Go to State school to save money and insist that the education system is a farce and that all undergraduate education is the same, and that you heard this from a kid who used to go to your high school. Make up his name and the details of his life. Michael McGuffin, he went to Towson, loved it, no regrets.

Go to Orientation Day wearing loose, comfortable pants and respectable polo shirt. Act nonchalant as you will notice every other girl wearing the complete opposite. Remind yourself of the variety of men at college, and thus the variety of men’s tastes in women. As you say this, watch a girl wearing a black miniskirt, and sneer at her. While sneering, trip over your loose comfortable pants and stumble. Meet handsome man who offers to help you up. He will say, “those pants look too big for you,” but he'll smile nonetheless. Congratulate yourself on victory.

Eat four packages of EZ-Mac after learning of your boyfriend’s infidelity. Remind yourself that all men are the same. Put off studying for winter finals, you are too distraught. Eat dry cereal without milk. Have a strong urge for cereal with milk. Walk 20 minutes at night in the dark. Ignore your mother’s voice in your head. Buy milk past expiration date from 7-11, pay with a twenty from an ATM, and ignore advances from shady figure on York Road who calls you “Angel.” Think that he would not cheat on you with skirt, perhaps he is not so shady.

Receive “C” on Grammar final and “B” on British Literature final. Declare yourself Undecided major. Resolve to lose 15 pounds.

Take pictures of your friends with camera you got for your birthday. Get pictures back, and notice you only have four friends. Cry in bed and write letters to friends from high school. Gush and declare your love for them, emphasizing non-lesbianness. Look up “lesbianness” in dictionary.

Pledge for a sorority. Observe sisters. Realize that your closet does not contain enough Burberry, Louis Vuitton or comfy pajama pants, and that your bank account does not contain enough money to buy friends. Decide to quit unofficially, and avoid sisters.

Dress up in ridiculous skank-esque clothes for first Frat party of freshman year as single woman. Decide to refrain from alcohol to keep in line with your “no calories after nine p.m.” rule. Arrive at small apartment that smells of cat poop. Notice females in skankier clothing than you. Drink four shots of SoCo. Sing songs from “Chicago” and hide in closet for remainder of evening.

Weigh yourself mercilessly; envy your roommate’s good looks. Forget to shave your legs. Get paper back in class, and read comments from teacher: “You have a lot of talent—you should not be at this school. Why didn’t you go to an Ivy League?”

Read “Pride and Prejudice” in three days, and eat old Easter candy. Sit in your dorm room, and miss parties.

Read letter from best friend at Cornell:

“I am wasting my money here. Everyone is white and it is like high school. I miss you tons.” Feel pity for her, but do not deny your smugness. Write back.

A sister will come by your dorm room to see why you have not attended necessary sorority meetings. Hide in closet.