what i've learned as a bowl of soup.
2004-01-26 12:47 a.m.

warning:

i have no idea what this entry is about. i don't feel like writing about anything concrete. so if you have a problem with that and enjoy reading about the solid events and details in my life, i recommend you stop reading.

one day, you just have to face facts that you are only on this earth for a few purposes. it's your job to find those purposes, and once you've found them, do everything in your powers to fulfill them. sometimes it's not that easy. sometimes you realize what you are meant to do is not what you are already doing, or what you had originally planned.

but that's okay. do whatever it takes. i think this is the ultimate meaning of life. in fact i am nearly sure about it. and i am not sure about fate; i am still trying to figure out how it works, or whether it even exists at all. but here are my early guesses:

fate is sort of a hunch, but not necessarily a lead. if you are on 695 and you see a truck that says "destiny express" and you think, i wonder what that's about, you better try and figure it out. don't let that truck slip out of your mind as an interesting tidbit to share at poker parties and other lame get-togethers.

sit around and wonder what the destiny express means. spend your whole life trying to figure out where it is going, and what it is carrying, and who is driving it. i think for my mother, it is filled with her old paintings, and it is headed to an day care program for underpriveledged children. i think my father is driving it.

if you ever figure out what the destiny express is about, don't be alarmed if your life seems rather short. it might just be that your truck is carrying inspiration and belts made out of ribbons, and it is driving to the house of every person you ever met, and you are driving it, and once you have finished all your stops it is time for you to stop driving. that's okay, i think.

it's okay if you are surprised about things--nothing makes a whole lot of sense until it's all done and you stand back and look at it. it's okay if you say, "well who would have fucking guessed," because i certainly wouldn't have, and neither would you, and i doubt no one else would. that is okay.

but if you think about and say, "i don't want my truck to be filled with dirty laundry and that wordless emotion that makes other people feel better about themselves through my demise, and i don't want to drive it to an office cubicle, and i don't want to drive it alone in tight, faded jeans and undone hair," then something has gone wrong. maybe you're looking at someone else's truck.

because though surprise may come, it shouldn't be a bad surprise.

but back to my point. i don't think a lot of people think or see that truck. so, if you're on 695 and you see a truck labeled "the destiny express", and it's white and forest green, and it passes you with a sound so unhuman it's inspiring, my personal recommendation is to not ignore it. it is there to remind you that you only have so much time left.

it is there to remind you to fuck people who say gay-ass things like "life is love" and "eat dessert first." fuck them--life is a truck on 695 and you should eat dessert when you are ready, which will most likely be last. that's the natural order of things. you've had a big heavy thing to eat, and you want to finish your hard work with something sweet that will make you smile. no one smiles about soup, because no one gives a shit about soup.

if soup was so fucking good we'd eat it last. but we don't, unless it's ice cream soup, which is delicious. we eat it first because once we're done we all say 'that was good, what's next.' that's me, i'm that fucking soup. i'm the first course and if you're reading this, you're probably young, and you're probably the soup, too. let me tell you it's stupid being the soup.

but it's okay. the soup is quiet, and eaten with caution and it is usally savored, it is warming. the soup is when everyone stops talking because you can't eat soup and talk at the same time, so while you're eating soup, you start to think about other things. that's how it should be. don't get all reckless like you're a piece of pie.

people who say things like "eat dessert first" also tend to say things like "enjoy your life now because this is the best it gets." well fuck you, too, i'm sorry your life has gotten worse, maybe you should have saved your dessert, and have you really thought about your truck?

i can't wait for the beginning of my life, because i know its only going to get better, as long as i ignore people who say stupid shit about "living in the present" and live the way i want, even if it means staring at meaningless trucks on the highway and drinking only when necessary but smoking cigarettes never, because i'm only soup right now and i don't want my dessert to taste like a fucking ashtray.

in conclusion, there are a few things you should consider before you resume your daily routine.

1) things aren't pre-planned, and they aren't up to you, it's a little bit of both. take some time to think about it, otherwise it's likely that you will end up driving somewhere you don't want to be, like delaware.

2) if you're at a party and it seems like everyone is having the time of their lives except you, don't be fooled. they are slamming cake and pie in their mouths in the form of alcohol or ugly trends because they think this is the best it gets. take your time, eat your soup, and know that unless your truck is meant to stop driving at a certain point after it has delivered its contents, there will be plenty of time to eat salad, followed by steak and dessert.

3) be very wary of people who preach too much about life. this includes me.